March 1st, 2023

I've always felt the need to feel useful. Thinking I didn't deserve any attention aside from my usefulness, getting really lost and depressed when I couldn't. It has taken quite a toll over the years, reinforcing existing vulnerabilities and anxiety.

Each time I felt lost and ignored by some people, I felt that I deserved that, that perhaps I could have done more, be more relevant or whatever. Unable to think that people could like me for something else than being useful or that perhaps simply people didn't valuate me at the same level as I valued them.

I try my best to determine what people expect and to meet their expectations. In a way, it's sad to realise that my best relationships often come from work, as they happen in an area where expectations are clear and I know I can meet them. Often in my private life I realise that I don't get what people expect, perhaps because I always think they expect something from me when it's not the case.

I'm trying more and more to reframe my train of thoughts but it's complicated. It's a system I've built for years that I slowly have to deconstruct piece by piece and, sadly, has become quite part of my personality. I just hope that one day I'll be able to get people right.